A Battle Lost

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
— Attributed to Plato

Yesterday someone I love committed suicide.

No one saw it coming. He was not a person who shared his feelings easily. We didn’t know he was fighting demons we didn’t see.

“I don’t understand.” Our eighty-three-year-old mother’s voice breaks when she says this, turning the statement into a question, a plea for an explanation that will never come. Because this act speaks of a mind caught in darkness beyond our imagining. This choice, unlike all others, cannot be un-chosen, altered, or changed.

This battle was lost to an insidious, unseen foe. It was the decision of a person desperate beyond all comprehension, someone so deep into the night that he couldn’t see the light of the love around him. Someone in a hell so solitary he didn’t realize his action damns those he loves to the anguish of a different hell.

We wonder, if we had done something different, would he still be here? It is a question without an answer, a hollow exercise in self-flagellation.

He is gone, and nothing we do can bring him home again.

About kymlucas

"Taking care not to take love too seriously." Writer of smart, fresh, contemporary romance and women's fiction. Blogging about writing, reading, and more recently, dealing with the ins and outs of breast cancer.
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22 Responses to A Battle Lost

  1. Threec says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss and even more so for one more painful because of the questions that will never be answered. Be kind indeed.


    • kymlucas says:

      It just brings home how little we really know about what’s happening in others’ lives, and how important it is to be kind, a lesson that is so easy for me to forget.


  2. Barb H says:

    I knew there was something like this from your recent posts. I can not say that I feel your pain when I often do. Yours is a pain no one should feel. There are those people in society that are truly good actors. They show the public an extroverted side of themselves, when in reality their depression is taking over their lives. A lot of suicide attempts are just that, a cry for help, but your young man felt he had no hope at all. I am so sorry for you and his family.
    Barb H


  3. oh, so sorry Kym. This is something that really strikes into my heart.


  4. RAFrenzy says:

    Kym, I am so sorry. There is not much I can say except I’ve been there, and if you ever need to talk, I’m willing to just listen without trying to solve the problem for you. I say this because that’s what I wanted at the time. I wanted someone to listen and not try to tie everything up in a neat package.


  5. Pat says:

    So sorry Kym. I have no other words.


  6. marysbak says:

    When my brother died, the stew of emotions was so confusing; sorrow, anger, but mostly regret for potential lost. For a gentle soul sent out to do battle without armor. My heart goes out to you and your family.


  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. I had two sudden losses in the past year and a half and was left with so many questions, but neither by their own hand, so I won’t say I know how you feel just that I’m thinking of you.


  8. Sam Byrd says:

    I cried when I read this. What I am feeling you put into elegant words. Thank you.


  9. marylou anderson says:

    I’m speechless; breathless; agonized for you all;
    you’re in my prayers


  10. Aran says:

    I am a friend of Sam’s. I cried when I read this, not because I knew your brother, but because I understand all too well. I was once there. I was in so much pain that I simply wanted it to end. I couldn’t think about anything else, just unbearable pain. Luckily, I didn’t have the right pills to end it and cried myself to sleep and woke up the next day. The pain was bearable & I was able to work through it. I am still here. I understand. I cry for you & your family. I share your pain. Please know that all of you are loved & being held.


  11. Cloud says:

    Only just discovering your blog and now read your last very sad post. Very sorry for your loss! Be strong!


    • kymlucas says:

      Thank you. We are all still in shock, and I must admit now my feelings of sadness are warring with anger that he would do such a thing. And that’s not fair. I have no idea what he was going through. Thank you again for reading and for taking the time to comment.


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